EvilMom: Son2, take the train to the city to pick up your sister from work

Son2: I have homework to do, it will take me 2 1/2 hours back and forth. My sister is 17, I’m sure she can come home by herself. She rides the train all the time by herself. Besides, I’m 10 shouldn’t you be more worried about me taking the train by myself?

EvilMom: If you pick her up, you can use my MetroCard and your sister can save money.

Son2: She will only save 2.25 !!!!

EvilMom: I said NOW!

**Epilogue**

Son2, went back and forth to pick up his sister from work 5 times a week for about a year all so she could save $ 2.25 a day.

Daughter 1 Age 10

MyEvilMom: If you act up, I will replace you with a cow !

Daughter1: Hu?

MyEvilMom: I will take a cow’s brain and take your brain and switch it.

Daughter1: That’s impossible!

MyEvilMom: They did it in China, so watch out! You could end up being a cow. The cow might even be smarter than you.

—1992

EvilMom: Hey Daughter 1, for your birthday I am going to give you $100.00

Daughter 1: Oh wow, Thanks!

EvilMom: I will put it in a bank account with both our names

Daughter 1: Oh Thanks!

—5 months later at the bank

Daughter 1: Can I withdraw 20.00?

Teller: Your account was closed a month ago by your mother

Daughter 1: WHAT?!?

—Later

Daughter 1: Mom why did you close my account?

EvilMom: I needed the money

Daughter 1: Ok, will I ever get the money back?

EvilMom: It was my money to being with. so No.

1999

EvilMom: Hey Kids, I want you to paint your room.

Daughter 1: We don’t have enough paint.

EvilMom: We have all these left over paints, lets just mix it together.

—Later in the Day

Son 2: Why is our bedroom black now?

Daughter 1: Your mom is cheap and didn’t want to buy paint.

—- Son 2 with Friends playing Chinese Poker

Son 2: I’m putting down 3 pairs and 1 triple. 

Friends: WHAT?? Where did you learn to play Chinese Poker?

Son 2: From my mom… So what about 2 Full Houses, Can I put that down?

Friends: Uh no!

Son 2: My mom always put those combinations down.

—- Later at Home

Son 2: Sister 1, Did you know that your mom has been playing the rules of Chinese Poker wrong our whole lives??

Daughter 1: Makes sense, she probably made up rules as she went along so she would always win.

Daughter 1: Mom, did you know that Brother 2 is allergic to Penicillin?

My Evil Mom: Yeah I knew he was allergic to some kind of medicine. I forgot what it was called.

Daughter 1: Didn’t you think it would be a good idea to tell him? I took him to the doctor because he has a cold and then he had an allergic reaction to the Penicillin. He could have died. Is there anything else he is allergic to that he should know about?? 

My Evil Mom: I think that’s it. 

Daughter 1: Do you at least have his medical records?

My Evil Mom: No I don’t know where they are. I must have lost them.

Daughter 1: AGHHH..

1997

Daughter 1: Where are my turtles? They are not in their box.

Evil Mom: I don’t know, we will look for them after dinner.

Daughter 1: Oh ok.

Evil Mom: We are having turtle soup tonight.

Daughter 1: YOU KILLED MY TURTLES AND YOUR MAKING ME EAT THEM ?????

Evil Mom: No… Well.. maybe yes… Why raise animals if you can’t eat them? Turtles are good for you.

Phone Conversation:

MyEvilMom: Daughter 1, what are you doing today?

Daughter 1: I am going to have a BBQ.

MyEvilMom: Aren’t you going to invite me?

Daughter 1: No  **Hangs Up**

Later:

Daughter 1: My Mom just called me and wanted me to invite her to our BBQ

Husband: Why don’t you invite her? Seems a little cruel since the rest of your family is coming.

Daughter 1: UGGG oh ok.

Phone Conversation:

Daughter 1: Mom, if you want to come, you can come to my house for the BBQ

MyEvilMom: Why would I want to go?

Daughter 1: ARGGGGGGGGG. I knew I shouldn’t have invited you.

Daughter 1: Where is Brother 1? Dinner is almost ready.

Daughter 2: He is on his way from Queens. There’s a problem with Mom’s car, she left the car at Uncle’s house so he can fix it. Uncle is not a mechanic and couldn’t fix it. Uncle refuses to do her a favor by driving the van to the cheaper mechanic in Brooklyn. So Brother 1, had to take a train to Queens, so he could bring the van back to Brooklyn. While he is at Uncle’s house, he is picking up your cousin, so he could have dinner with us. After Brother 1, drops off our cousin, he has to take it to the mechanic before they close, and then take a train back home. So he won’t be having dinner with us.

Daughter 1: Figured it’d be a long convoluted story if it involves Mom.

EvilMom: Daugther 2, Tell your boyfriend to drive me somewhere at 6 AM tomorrow before he goes to work

Daughter 2: No

EvilMom: Fine, I will ask him myself

Daughter 2: Whatever

EvilMom: What is name?

Daughter 2: We have been going out for 4 years and you don’t know his name? It’s Charlie

Later On…

EvilMom: John, will you drive me somewhere tomorrow?

Charlie: Hu??

EvilMom: Daughter 1, Do not go out with that white boy.

Daughter 1: Why?

EvilMom: Because he’s white.

Daughter 1: But my cousin married someone that is white.

EvilMom: That’s because she lives in Seattle, there are no Chinese people in Seattle.

Daughter 1: I highly doubt that.

Aunt on the phone with Daugther 2: Have you spoken to your mom lately?

Daughter 2: No, why?

Aunt: Your mom is avoiding my calls.

Daughter 2: Why?

Aunt: She owes me money, when I call her she doesn’t pick up. But whey I block my number and call her, she picks up.

Daughter 2: Uh… if I speak to her, I’ll tell her your looking for her.

Aunt: What’s your sister’s number?

Daughter 2: Why?

Aunt: Your mom said, your sister would guarantee the loan, and your sister would pay me if she didn’t.

Daughter 1: I’m pretty sure my sister would never agree to that, and she doesn’t even know about this loan.

Aunt: WHAT ? So how am I supposed to get this money back?

Daughter 1: I’m not sure.

Daughter 1: Did you ever notice how when Kim Jong Il is wearing sun glasses, he looks like my mom?

Husband: They could be the same person.

Daughter 1: Son 2, How was vacationing with mom in the Caribbean?

Son 2: The Caribbean was nice, but I didn’t get to enjoy it. I want to go back without mom.

Daughter 1: Why?

Son 2: Half the time we were there,  I was at a post office.

Daughter 1: Hu?

Son 2: I was helping mom ship cigarettes back to the states so she can sell them here.

Daughter 1: That’s mom, paying for vacation while she’s on vacation. 

15 Years Ago

myevilmom: Gramma told me you guys were bad. So for punishment each of you need to write an essay. 50 pages each. This needs to be done by tomorrow. Back & Front of the pages!

4 Days Later:

myevilmom: You guys were bad again. Another 50 pages.

Next Day:

myevilmom: someone reused their pages from last time. 50 more pages, and this time give me all your pages I’m burning them to make sure you won’t reuse them.

Essay’s Content: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. etc etc